My memoir writing journey has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. The actual writing was difficult, but rewarding. The people I’ve met, the skills I’ve gained, and many other aspects of this experience have been life changing.
But today I’m looking for comparative titles for submitting my story to publishers. Writers will tell you this is a difficult task. Finding someone else’s book which resembles yours in tone or in subject matter isn’t easy. Finding something remotely related is time consuming. You can’t comp a title you haven’t read, as this may go very wrong. Reading so many books looking for appropriate similarities is frustrating, and often an exercise in futility.
I have experienced all of this before. You may remember some time last year I had a month of miserable memoir reading. One grief story after the other. Every single book touched me and made me remember why I want to share my story. However, it hasn’t really occurred to me until now, there are almost no books published in Australia written by people who have lost someone to suicide. Why is this? Is the stigma still so strong we can’t openly discuss our own lived experiences?
This research has made me quite angry. How can people who have lost someone to suicide, and need to read about how someone else navigated that same experience, find what they’re looking for. Essentially, they can’t. It doesn’t exist. There are lots of excellent books about grief. But grief from death by suicide is different. It’s complex. There are many added layers of emotions which are not triggered by other kinds of dying.
Guilt and shame crippled me after Michael died. Understanding these feelings was intense. Writing about them was excruciating. I wrote about my experiences in the hope my relentless self-analysis and insane, unstoppable curiosity, which lead me to greater understanding, could benefit others, and offer a different perspective, and hope. I acknowledge not everyone is propelled by ADHD to drill down so far into their own psyche. I do think that many people look for answers in books written by others.
So, while I was wondering if everything we read needs to be palatable, and how much we need to censor our own experience, I came across an excellent quote, shared by my friends Kylie Orr and Jacqui Hawkins at That Day Podcast. Originally posted on Instagram by @vexking and then shared by @kim_m_fitzpatrick, these were the words I needed to read today.
You’re not here to be universally digestible. You’re here to be nourishing to the right people. Some will find you too intense, too deep, too different. Others will feel like they’ve finally found something that speaks their language. @vexking
My story is my story. No-one sanitised or edited it for me. We humans are incredibly resilient, and watering everything down just causes us more anxiety and less capacity. I hope I haven’t been offensive, as that is never my goal. However, I do hope my writing will one day open up conversations and bring emotional sustenance to those who need it.
If you have found reading this article or its content distressing, or it’s triggered difficult feelings, or if you or someone you know is struggling, please call one of these Helplines.
Lifeline. 13 11 14 ; Suicide Call Back Service. 1300 659 467 ; SuicideLine Victoria. 1300 651 251 ; Kids Helpline. 1800 55 1800
Kylie Eklund-Denman 