The Anniversary

Tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of my late-husband, Michael’s, death. Anniversaries of this kind are often really difficult times to ‘survive.’ They can bring to the surface feelings which we are too busy in our day-to-day lives to acknowledge. The first few years of birthdays, anniversaries, and other times of celebration were dire. The kids and I unsure of how to mark the day, and all of us experiencing different states of mind.

This year I feel prepared. I’m about half way through the memoir I’m writing about Michael. The process of writing the memories has helped me to make sense of what happened. It has also allowed me to order my thoughts and understanding of myself, my responses, my kids experience, and Michael’s suicide. To say it has had a profound impact would be an understatement.

The writing has allowed me to sit with the memory of Michael, in a nonjudgemental way. To remember the funny things, and the good times, but also to really dig into the adversity. To explore and acknowledge the difficulty and the trauma. It’s reshaping the way I look at myself and my life experience.

Ten years feels like a milestone of sorts. Michael and I were friends from 1993-2003. Then partners from 2003-2013. I have now been without him from 2013-2023. Ten year cycles, over thirty years. The next cycle will be without him. I’m feeling at peace with this fact for myself, but less so for my youngest, and Michael’s only, child. Eight years with him and now ten years without. The initial idea of writing the book was for Mya. I hope it gives her some closure and offers some insight.

I would not have the freedom to be able to explore writing a memoir without the support, time, and strength afforded me by my beloved husband, Stu. He has been encouraging, and his belief in me lends me enough trust in myself to sit with the words, the pain, the memories, and the ‘story.’